Day 4

Well ... I caved.  :(

I'm oh so very frustrated.  The thing is, I was 761 calories before I did it - under 800 is awesome.  And then?  Then I made a joke about grabbing a burger and fries, and then I became like a rabid chihuahua and I had to  have one.  Hubby lost his will power, too, and we stopped after work last night.

Ugh.

I think what is even *more* frustrating is that I had a plan for a somewhat "acceptable" cheat that wouldn't have killed me.  Tonight, there is an event at work, and they're going to be serving pizza.  I thought maybe if I had just one slice, it would have been enough to satiate me, without me going overboard.

But no, I didn't stick to my plan and I derailed.  I had a burger and fries and a soda.

Hubby feels bad, he feels guilty.  But this isn't his walk, its mine.  So, instead of my 761, I ate 2201.  Yikes.

Ok, back to it today.  I weighed this morning to see where I am - I really do enjoy not weighing every day, but I needed to see it this morning, and I'm down again. Today was 256.  At least the numbers are going to keep moving in the right direction.  I'm going to keep my act together this weekend and weigh again on Sunday.

Day 3

Much better today!!  I know I still have a (very) long road ahead of me, but the cravings were much less today, and I felt more filled throughout the day.

Post is very short tonight, I'm pooped.

Calories: 693
Steps: 10,388

Day 2

Today, I'm frustrated.  With my frame of mind, and with disappointing myself. .... And also?  With doing something awesome.

Walking through the lunchroom today at work was KILLING ME!!!  holy cow the smells!!  I wanted ALL the food.  I didn't even see what was there, I just know I wanted all of it.  The scariest part was driving home at lunchtime, without Hubby.  There are a zillion fast food places between work and my front door.  And the temptation to stop at any of them nearly drove me insane.

BUT.

I didn't stop.

I wanted to, don't get me wrong.  But, I didn't.  And I'm DANG proud of myself for that.

I came home and made lunch for myself, and then started snacking.  And snacked some more.  Then had a dinner that was above calorie limit.

Crap.

I went 103 calories over.  No, it is not the end of the world.  But, I failed myself - and that sucks.

Also?!?  I wanted to weigh in today.  Why is waiting until tomorrow so hard?  Ugh.

I'm still optimistic, I'm not going to lose that.  But ... holy crap this journey is hard.

Day 1

Today has been interesting.  When reading up on the diet plan, I found that there are actually different levels offered, and one is a 500 calorie plan.  What?!?  But then I thought about it ... when I have a day off - especially a Monday - where I don't really do a whole lot, this might be a viable option.  I figured I would try it today to see what happens.

Wanna know what happens?  I'm ***starving***.  Ugh.

I think I would have done better if I had started solid this morning.  But, because we didn't get to the store until later in the day, I didn't have a lot of foods to choose from.  Like, fruit.  So, I didn't have a good foundation to start my day, and I feel like I've been playing catch up ever since.

Tomorrow is either going to make me or break me, though.  I have to go to work.  And, I can just smell the cafeteria right now - with the burgers and fries and whatever the special is.  Ugh.  Why yes I'll take salad.  *facepalm*  So, we shall see how it goes.

Here's the thing.  I don't have any thoughts that this is going to be "easy".  It never is.  It took a lot of years to put all this weight on, and I'm going to have to fight to take it off.  I'm going to have some bad days, and I know that.  But, I need to focus on the good days.  I need to find my confidence in those days.  Those are the days that I need to latch on to the inner Yca that is a roaring tiger!!!

Total Calories:  657
Water:  3 (but I'm not sure that's correct, pretty sure I drank more than that)
Steps:  Only 300 (not working really impacts that a LOT)

Loading weekend

This weekend was "loading" weekend.  I just knew that this was the perfect weekend to start, because we had a very busy theme park weekend planned.  Yesterday, we celebrated The Princess' 12th birthday at Sea World - and we had a LOT of fun.  Today?  We went to a friend's going away party at Universal Studios.  Both parks had lots of treats that I'm not going to be able to give in to for quite some time.  We had cheeseburgers and LOTS of fries.  We had fried fish, cupcakes, hash browns ... I didn't go insane, but I certainly didn't hold back.  It was actually quite fun.

Now the real work begins.  I am seriously determined to make this work.  I always fail myself.  I'm NOT going to this time.  I can't.  I have to do better.  I have to learn to trust myself.  I have to do this for my children - they deserve better.

Things that I want to accomplish...

I want to be able to go all day, and not lock myself in the bathroom, crying from pain or exhaustion.

I want my husband to be able to pick me up and twirl me around.

I want to feel confident and strong again.

I want to be under 200lbs by the end of the year.

Tomorrow.  No cheating.  Serious business.  I'm going to be a better me.

Prologue

I have just typed and deleted fourteen different ways to start this entry, and nothing is coming out right.  So, screw it - here we go.

I'm fat.  I'm tired.  And I'm really tired of being fat.  Time to actually really deal with it.  

I've tried hundreds of diets over the years, I've gone up and down, and up and down and up and .... up ... up ... up ... up.  Gah.

Currently, I weigh 264 pounds.  Everything hurts - my joints, my legs, my feet, my back.  I can barely get through the day anymore.  My job is too physically demanding .... for ME.  Everyone else can handle it fine.  

Step 1:

I'm going to try the HCG diet again.  I did sort of well the first time - until I totally screwed myself over and went off of it.  MY fault - not the diet's.  So, load days start tomorrow.  The next two days are theme park days - a lot of walking, and a lot of yummy food.  

Goal:  40lbs in 40 days.

Let's do this.